Friday, July 15, 2016

Before Ever After

I just finished the book by Samantha Sotto.  Loved a thoughtful, mind-searching way.  It makes me ask questions but I'm not sure what the questions are.  Consequently, I can't answer them either. This leaves me feeling unsettled a I'm supposed to be doing something meaningful but I don't know what that might be.  (So I write....)
This is a story about a young woman, Shelley, who meets a man who turns out to be it's not another vampire story.  Something happens to him, Max, at 32 that keeps him 32 forever.  He's lived for centuries, fallen in and out of love, had families, fought wars, and a myriad of other things, but when he meets this woman, you feel as though this is his soul mate for life.  Only it's doomed in that she is not eternal and he is.  As he tells her, "I see the sand of your life flowing - fast and freely between my fingers.  I am not a god, but you are mortal.  I wished only to snatch you from the meadow before time laid you beneath it."
When I think of all that his immortality showed Max about life, and unlike Gestrin, Max chose to live through his eternity, not be angry and depressed, I wonder about my choices with the small fragment of time I have.  Have I made choices that I would make again?  Were they valuable in that they gave me a life to be worthy of this soul?  (Deep stuff, I know.)
It's funny (not HaHa funny), that some things by some people are taken so seriously when maybe we should just all chill and enjoy the beauty the world has to offer.  I know that is a very romantic viewpoint.  There would always be those that take advantage of that passivism, filled with hate for whatever reason, and they would ruin our peace and love.  But I think for the other third of my life, I may try the appreciation angle.  Small joys, happiness, knowing that one day it will all be gone.
I believe there is a heaven so I'm not concerned about the hereafter, but I'd like to be able to say that I used my time here well.  Because after me and mine, more generations will follow with their own problems, and wars, and suffering and beauty....let's hope there's still beauty.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Still searching....

So much going on in my head today....Needed to get it down and see if I can make some sense (Journaling usually helps).  A few thoughts that need sorted:

  • Is the world coming to an end? (pretty heavy thought)....some would say "Yes", but is it soon?  Am I ready?  According to the Jehovah's Witnesses that were at my door's here!  
  • So, is there more upsetting violence today than "yesterday" or is it that social media and our access to news is so much better(?), faster, that we're now aware of all the crime, killing, deaths, ....sadness and desperation.  Wars have been raged forever....
  • Who am I going to vote for for President in a field of unacceptable candidates?  What are my options?  This makes me feel insignificant and helpless.  The big machine rolls on...  All I can do is pray.  And it's not lost on me that we are only one country in this big world and so many other countries have major problems of life and death. So what is 4 years of what is assumed will be mismanagement under a liar, cheat, and scoundrel?  
  • Does Bexit really affect me?  Everything does if you believe in the butterfly effect.
  • Who or what do I champion?  Inspired by words of others to "get involved", "make a difference", "be the difference", but I feel like I'm probably like many others asking...."how"? I'm a nobody, with no connections, no money to spare, and so all I can do is "be the change that you want to see". Is that enough when all I can do is reach out to those I come in contact that enough?  It doesn't feel like it...I still feel small, inconsequential, as far as the big world goes...and I'm pretty sure many feel this way and thus apathy is born.  Remembering the oft quoted, 
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
  • Are all of these feelings just support for Erickson's development theory of Generativity vs Stagnation and/or Ego Integrity vs Despair?  Because I'm somewhere in there and think that maybe all this reflection is just normal and so get off it!  
  • I'm also aware that my personality ( plays into this reflective self.  So am I even able to stop?  And if not, can I find peace?  At least not get anxious every time I do this reflection sh** and get all up in my brain and thoughts.
  • So back to my first bullet, I feel like I just want to lay low and wait for the end of the world; not ruffle too many feathers, help those that I can, continue my relationship with God and family first, seek the truth in all things, explore my humanity and the world around me, read, be creative, appreciate all things good, champion the best and righteous things, raise up, praise, love, joy.... Is that wrong?  "Things will be better in the end...if they aren't better, it isn't the end."